Siri’s best answers: Apple’s talking sidekick does zero division, dirty talk and sarcastic poems.
The internet melted yesterday as Twitter once again struggled to come to terms with Siri’s dark sense of humour and high levels of sass. Having stepped out of the realm of an alarm-setting, call-making, message-sending personal assistant, Siri gave a funny, but barbed response to a basic maths question.
If You Ask Siri What 0 Divided By 0 Is – It Gets Brutal “Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends. How many cookies does each person get? See? It doesn’t make sense. And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies, and you are sad that you have no friends.”
The Apple virtual assistant’s witty response isn’t the first time your iPhone friend has been too sharp for its own good. With iOS 8.4 now available for download and iOS 9 to bring a mass of improvements later this year, here we explore some of Siri’s best answers.
1. No-one likes a sarcastic poet
As well as being a regular digital stand-up/school yard bully, Siri is also something of a poet. Ask it to read you a haiku – one of those five, seven, five syllable poems – and Apple’s pre-programmed response is a winner.
Again dialling up the sass, the iOS PA uses its lyrical ways to show its discontent not only with its thankless job, but also with you, its feckless user. Siri isn’t just a one-hit wonder, either, it’s got plenty of poetic ammo to put you in your place.
2. The robots are coming
For those troubled by Chanel 4’s Humans or fearing the launch of Terminator Genisys, Siri will do nothing to abate your worries of the impending robot uprising.
Ask Siri if it abides by the three laws of robotics and your soon-to-be digital overlord will laugh in your face, creating its own, micky-taking view on human safety.
3. Firmly in the friend zone
No matter how desperate you get, Siri isn’t the best choice of beau. Happy to reject your romantic advances at every turn, Siri has firm but fair rejections to everything from a date night query, to a profession of love, and even your best marriage proposal.What’s more heart breaking than being rejected by a potential love interest? Being rejected by a love interest that isn’t real – trust us.
4. The lowest form of wit
A key tool in Siri’s comedic arsenal is sarcasm. With endless sarky retorts on hand, the service is quick to get snide with anyone brave enough to ask when your favourite bacon-producing animals will take to the skies. Cue a number of unhelpful retorts.
5. An atheist walks among us
We get Siri to perform menial tasks on a daily bases, but the faceless friend has hidden depths. When discussions turn to the afterlife and omnipotent powers, the iOS assistant does away with our human belief systems without hesitation.
Honouring motherboards more than mother earth, the digital presence has very pragmatic views on the power of creationism.
6. Even Siri is a Star Wars fan
Think you know what sort of animals a voice-activated personal assistant likes? Cute, fluffy puppies, right? No? How about bear cubs? Ok, ok, we’ve got it, teacup pigs?
Think again, Siri’s preferred pet is something a little less cuddly, a little more fictional, and way more awesome. It’s also one domesticated by the Rebel Alliance – maybe Siri isn’t so dastardly after all.
7. A master of observational comedyLike a Michael McIntyre joke, Siri’s sense of humour and irony is largely observational. Don’t be surprised then to see it play on our forgetfulness and firm belief in sod’s law.
8. Talk dirty to me
For those tired of all the visual stimulation the internet has to offer and after a bit more audible titillation, Siri isn’t the answer. Despite the service’s sultry tones, her pillow talk leaves a lot to be desired.
Try get Siri to talk dirty to you and your going to be left less aroused and more troubled by the state of your flooring.
9. Siri is surprisingly insecure We think we’ve cracked it, Siri’s bolshy persona is little more than a façade. Scrape beneath the surface and you’re left with an assistant with serious insecurities.
While we bags of flesh and bone question our position and purpose in the universe, so, it seems, does Siri question life’s worth in your phone.
This only the tip of Siri’s clever response iceberg. The platform’s retorts only increase in wit when its best mate the internet comes round to play.
The unnerving friendship provides endless opportunities for clever replies and if you’ve not tired of Siri-based amusement just yet, here’s some questions you can ask it yourself:
Siri, can I borrow some money?
Siri, how do I look?
Siri, how many Apple Store geniuses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Siri, who’s your daddy?
Siri, why did the chicken cross the road?
Siri, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?